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: Aunt Linda
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved.

Finally only Ernie was left. 'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Linda. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last enemy with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

'Stay the hell away from Aunt Linda when she's drinking

Posted by Michael on Sun Aug 09, 2009 12:43 am ( Reads: 206 )
(comments? | Score: 0)

: "How Old Am I?"
A woman decides to have a body and face lift for her 50th birthday She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?' 'About 32,' is the reply. 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the countergirl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50. Now she's feeling really good about herself . She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30. Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies,'I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are. They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead. He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I? He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, 'Madam, you are 50.

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell? The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad? 'I promise I won't,' she says. 'I was behind you in McDonald's.'

Posted by Michael on Sun Jul 26, 2009 6:06 pm ( Reads: 182 )
(comments? | Score: 0)

: Organic Vegetables
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market.

I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

Posted by Michael on Fri Jul 24, 2009 4:26 pm ( Reads: 217 )
(comments? | Score: 0)

: One Night
A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Posted by Michael on Sat Dec 06, 2008 3:11 am ( Reads: 267 )
(comments? | Score: 0)

: The 80's
A woman in her eighties is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of sixty years. She can’t live without him and decides that the best way to be with him is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn’t want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.



He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.

Later that night the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches on the elderly woman’s left knee.

Posted by Michael on Sat Dec 06, 2008 2:22 am ( Reads: 249 )
(comments? | Score: 0)

: Minimum Wage
A man owned a small ranch in Texas. The Texas Wage & Hour Dept. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent."

"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board."

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board."

"Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher.

Posted by Michael on Sat Dec 06, 2008 1:46 am ( Reads: 263 )
(comments? | Score: 0)

: Old Timer Sex
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.' 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

Posted by Michael on Sun Nov 30, 2008 7:25 pm ( Reads: 303 )
(comments? | Score: 0)

: How to translate ''Woman Speak''
9 words women say



1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dress ed, this means a half an hour.

Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house .

3.) Nothng : This is the calm before the storm . This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission . Don' t Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non- verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she think s you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.

6.) Thats Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man.

That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint . Just say you' re welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women 's way of saying F@!K YOU! (Ha ha so true! )

9.) Don' t worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times , but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ' What' s wrong ?' For the woman 's response refer to #3. Then you RUN!

Posted by Cletus on Fri Oct 24, 2008 9:03 pm ( Reads: 333 )
(comments? | Score: 0)

: Call Jesus
I was driving down the road, when I saw this billboard:



Out of curiosity, I did.

A Mexican showed up with a lawn mower.

Posted by Michael on Thu Sep 25, 2008 7:44 am ( Reads: 319 )
(comments? | Score: 0)

: The Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one!

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don' t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or Superman.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Posted by Michael on Thu Sep 18, 2008 9:36 pm ( Reads: 302 )
(comments? | Score: 0)


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